What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Life After the Kids Leave

There are things people tell you about the empty nest.

They tell you the house will be quieter. They tell you that you will have more time. They tell you that you will eventually get used to cooking for fewer people, sleeping without worrying about anyone else’s schedule, and having a calendar that suddenly looks remarkably empty.

All of that is true.

But there are other things no one really tells you.

No one tells you that you can be completely ready for your children to grow up and still be surprised by how much you miss the life you had with them. No one tells you that freedom and sadness can exist in the exact same moment. And no one tells you that sometimes you will miss things you were absolutely certain you would never miss.

You Will Miss Things You Thought You Were Done With

For years, I thought I was looking forward to the day when I wouldn’t have to coordinate everyone’s schedules.

No more rushing from one activity to another. No more figuring out who needed to be where at 5:30. No more standing on the sidelines when I could have been doing a dozen other things.

And then, after the kids were grown, I found myself longing for something as ordinary as a soccer game, wishing I could be back on the sidelines, listening to the parents cheer and watching my kids play.

It surprised me.

I didn’t necessarily miss the driving or the logistics or the hectic afternoons. I missed being needed in that particular way. I missed the ordinary rhythm of family life. I missed knowing that on a certain afternoon, I would be sitting on those sidelines watching someone I loved do something they loved.

That is one of the strange things about this transition. You don’t necessarily want your old life back. But you can miss pieces of it terribly.

And that’s okay.

You can be ready for the next chapter and still miss the one you just finished.

You May Feel Guilty About How Much You Like Your Freedom

This was another surprise.

There is something wonderful about realizing that your time is your own again. You can make plans without checking three calendars. You can eat dinner whenever you want. You can take a spontaneous trip, spend an entire Saturday doing absolutely nothing, or make plans simply because they sound fun.

And sometimes you might feel a little guilty about enjoying it.

I think we put so much emphasis on how much mothers sacrifice that we can almost feel like we’re doing something wrong when we enjoy the freedom that comes after the years of constant responsibility.

But enjoying your life does not mean you love your children any less.

In fact, I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the example of a parent who continues to build a full and meaningful life.

They don’t need us to sit around waiting for them to come home.

They need to know that home will always be there when they do.

You Don’t Have to Figure Out Your New Life Immediately

There can be a strange pressure to make the empty nest exciting.

Travel more. Take up a hobby. Reinvent yourself. Make new friends. Start exercising. Learn something new.

And yes, all of those things can be wonderful.

But I don’t think you have to immediately turn the empty nest into a personal improvement project.

You are allowed to take some time to simply adjust.

For years, so much of your identity has been wrapped around being someone’s mom. Your days have been organized around other people’s needs, schedules, activities and milestones. It takes time to figure out what your own days look like when those things aren’t at the center anymore.

You don’t have to have a five-year plan for your next chapter.

You can start by noticing what you enjoy.

Maybe it’s a quiet morning. Maybe it’s dinner with friends. Maybe it’s finally taking the trip you’ve talked about for years. Maybe it’s realizing you want to spend more time outside, cook something completely different, or simply have a Saturday with nowhere to be.

Pay attention to those little sparks.

They are clues.

Your Relationship With Your Children Will Change, But That Doesn’t Mean It Will Become Less Close

This may be one of the hardest things to understand before it happens.

When your children are young, you know so much about their lives because you are in the middle of them. You know what they ate for lunch. You know who their friends are. You know where they need to be and what they have coming up.

Then suddenly, you don’t.

At first, that can feel like a loss.

But eventually, you realize that the relationship isn’t disappearing. It is changing.

You may not hear every detail, but when they call, they are choosing to call you. When they ask your opinion, it is because they value it rather than because they have to listen to it. And when they come home, you get to enjoy them without having to manage them.

There is something incredibly beautiful about watching your children become adults and getting to know them in a completely different way.

You are still their mother.

You just aren’t parenting them in the same way.

The House May Be Quieter, But Your Life Doesn’t Have to Be

I think this is the part I wish someone had emphasized most.

The goal isn’t to recreate the noise.

It isn’t to fill every empty weekend or make your calendar look as busy as it did when your children were home.

The goal is to create a life that feels good now.

That might mean making your home feel different. It might mean traveling more. It might mean spending more time with friends, finding new interests, or simply giving yourself permission to enjoy your own company.

And it might mean keeping some of the traditions you created when your children were young.

Because the beautiful thing about this chapter is that you don’t have to leave everything behind.

You get to decide what comes with you.

You can miss the life you had without wanting to live it again.

That distinction has been important to me.

I can miss the soccer games without wanting to spend my evenings driving all over town. I can miss the sound of teenagers in the kitchen without wanting the dirty dishes that came with them. I can miss having everyone under one roof without wishing away the adults they have become.

I can miss it and still be grateful that it happened. And I can be excited about what comes next.

What I Wish I Had Known

If I could go back and tell myself anything before the kids left, it would be this:

Don’t rush through the ordinary years because you are waiting for the next stage.

There will be plenty of time for quiet mornings.

There will be plenty of time for travel and dinners out and spontaneous weekends.

There will be plenty of time to figure out what comes next.

So enjoy the soccer games. Sit on the sidelines. Make the elaborate birthday dinner. Say yes to the school event even when you’re tired. Take the picture. Make the tradition. Let the house be noisy.

But also know that when that chapter ends, you will be okay.

You may miss it more than you expect.

You may even find yourself wishing for pieces of it back.

And then, one day, you may realize that you are laughing with friends over dinner, planning a trip, enjoying a quiet morning, or doing something you never had time to do before, and you will think:

This is good, too.

Because maybe the empty nest isn’t really about letting go.

Maybe it is about making room.

Room for the woman you have become. Room for interests that got pushed aside. Room for relationships that deserve more of your attention. Room for adventures you couldn’t have imagined when your days revolved around raising children.

And room to love the life you built with your children while also beginning to love the life that is waiting for you now.

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Explore More

If you’re navigating life after the kids leave, these are a few more stories from The Well Spent Life you may enjoy:

• When the House Gets Quiet
• Empty Nest, Full Life
• Making New Friends as an Empty Nester
• When Your Children Need You Differently
• 25 Things That Make an Empty Nest Feel Like a Fresh Start

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